I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
