Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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