who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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