Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
