My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
