So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
