he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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