I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
