The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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