I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
