If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
