u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
