it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
