Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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