This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
