Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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