I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
