He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
