Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
