"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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