I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think my moral compass just broke
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
