He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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