A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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