R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
