When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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