Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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