Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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