I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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