got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
