Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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