My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
