This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
