I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
