Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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