I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
