i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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