I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
