Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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