I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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