if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
