The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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