Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
