I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
