Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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