You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Randomize
