I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
