I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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