Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
