"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
