omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
