So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
