making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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