If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found puke in my bra..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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