I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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