i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
